While in Korea I would send gifts home. Thank God for Amazon and the Disney Store. It was easy to go to the website and to order and it would arrive in 5-8 days. It just made it nice to know I could do it. And the kids loved it. They liked getting mail as much as I did.
Except one present.
I sent my son a stuffed animal, Wicket the Ewok. I thought it looked awesome. It was fluffy and furry and had a face and little arms and legs. I thought it looked awesome.
It terrorizes my son. He wants no part of it. When you show it to him he freaks out. He whines. He hits it. He just wants it to go away. And he watches it as you put it away. He wants to make sure he knows where it is, and is relieved not when it is hidden but it is far enough away that he feels safe from it. I’ve tried to introduce it to him while we play, and it doesn’t change.
He has a Kermit that he loves and laughs at. He has a Wooly Mammoth that he loves. He has a fox that he holds as he goes to bed.
But the Ewok is a terror.
I feel bad that I got it for him. I feel bad that it causes such fear in him. It was meant for goodness and it only causes grief.
Sometimes I think its a testament to how much I just didn’t know my son at the time. Being away had caused some lost knowledge, some gaps in my relational knowledge and I came back and all of my kids are older. They’ve changed ever so much and I wasn’t quite aware that so much could change. And they really haven’t. Not really. But I cannot shake the feeling that I missed something while I was away with my son.
I posted a couple of weeks ago about me getting to know my son. A lot of time passed and he has changed the most, as most kids do their first year of life. The fear is that I missed just enough of that forming knowledge in which I know him… but he also missed just enough of getting to know me. We play together and chase each other, and I push him in his stroller and carry him around… sometimes it doesn’t feel like playing. It feels like making up for lost time.