copy/paste 7.11.06 – 9.13.06

September 13, 2006 – Wednesday

waiting for forever

Being patient is different. I can’t figure out how to do it well. I’ve painted and sung, and danced with my daughter, and I find that I’ve really just beent rying to kill time, but that old man don’t die none too easy.
Bu as I wait for things to come, and things that are going on, and things that will never be, I am reading and re-reading some really great books. I’m trying to broaden my musical horizons and listen to music instead of just absorbing it.
See, I’m just full of new things I’ve yet to try.

Ever have one of those days where you are exhausted and your brain feels heavy and full? Today is that day. After spending way too much time in a car, my daughter and I stopped at Cabela’s becasue we had to get out of traffic and out of the car. She would;ve killed me and I would have let her if we had gone another .1 of a mile. It is such a joy to be able to spend time with her and to let her tell me things. Though her English is minimal, the observations she makes are so wonderful… a tree is not just a tree, it’s one of many wonderful things for her to feel, and see.
Maybe part of being “like a little child” is not missing all the trees for the forest.

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September 8, 2006 – Friday

lost in text

I’m teaching Children’s Church, and I’m preparing for my Sunday School Class on Narnia, and I just keep digging. The truth is I change what i will say and do before an engagement or class about as often as I change my clothes for the engagement. And just ask my wife… it’s a lot. But I am amazed at the never ending supply of greatness God gives. There is no lack of Him telling me stuff. Mostly its just little reminders of how much He cares for me, and you, and us.
Dali’s Cross of St. John of the Cross is above my desk explaining to me small things I see everyday, but that are becoming more concrete. I’m re-re-re-re-reading Steinbeck’s East of Eden and God is showing me things I never saw before. As I peruse Donne, I’m gladdened. When I realise my daughter is playing with the cat, or even thinking tonight that in 1 month’s time we will be a family of 4, God is showing me His splendour and providence.
To be alive at this moment is incredible, and I am not fool enough to think I was ever more alive without paying attention to Him.
A friend of mine was blogging about surrender and how it’s hard for Christians. But our struggle is almost completely over when we awake to Him who has been calling us (I really want to say completely over, but have my own problems). The issues we have with surrender are not issues of surrender, but, I think, issues of habit. Longing for freedom, we find comfort in the chains and in our masters. We are not “surrendering”. We are becoming free, aren’t we? Aren’t we becoming more like the humans we were supposed to be?
Maybe I’m calling down semantics. Perhaps it’s all in the mind. My co-workers and friends who are not Christians would say they are free, and would question to whom and what I’m surrendering from, and what I am surrendering. Maybe I’m not surrendering anything as much as I’m re-focusing my efforts. I do not let Christ win, my say has hardly anything to do with it. He won well before I was born, and I would rather He do anything for his Father before He did anything for me.
What am i trying to say?

It’s good to be alive right now, because I think I’m experiencing a new level of freedom and understanding in Christ I had not experienced before.

PS, Sorry Andrea if I’ve muddled what you were trying to say in your blog. It’s kind of late and I obviously have a lot on my mind, and most everyone is in bed, and I’d be too embarrassed to call anyone for fear I would wake them.

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September 6, 2006 – Wednesday

i cannot do pigtails

My fingers are too big and clumsy. Not something you usally find in a mandolin-player, or painter. I would never consider my fingers to be so grossly unproportioned until I’m trying to put pigtails in my daughter’s hair. I can’t do it. I’ve tried numerous times only to come out of it agravated and my daughter smiling at me with that same smile I give to the bagger at Giant who is only there because of the “program” he’s invloved in to get “special” people like him into the workforce.
And, last night, my wife and I were talking about potty training. I do not know that i feel comfortable traingin my daughter to go to the toilet in the toilet. Boys, I’d be ok with. But what if I screw up and start habits that will only get her looked at funny. Let’s face it, boys have a better time pee-ing. Girls don’t need a target.
And it’s moments like these that make me so grateful for my wife. There are other things, too, don’t get me wrong. But the chance for my daughter to not have hair in her eyes, and to pee like other girls is not something I’m taking for granted. I love my wife and I hope that our daughter grows up to be like her, but with my choice of music.

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September 4, 2006 – Monday

And he’s dead

Steve Irwin is dead. Nature killed him. Down with nature. Let’s get all the sting ray’s before they learn to walk!

I like to think that somewhere a crocodile is crying real crocodile tears.

Seriously, though, it’s a shame that his wife is now a widow and his kid’s have no father. And yet, He is my light and my salvation, whom should I fear? I think that if there were some Christians with an Irwin comviction about humanity as he had about nature, perhaps the world would be different.

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September 1, 2006 – Friday

Grocery Stores and the elderly

So, on our daily outing, today, Claire and I ran to the store. The new Keane playing, the air a bit nippy… it had the makings of a mellow afternoon… boy was I wrong. Giant today was full, and I mean overflowing with the elderly. Usually, I try to avoid the carts that look like trucks made by people without parents in an attempt to make the grocery store more fun for kids. If I should ever run across these people, I will thank them for making my experience a little more painful. Today, though, I had to take the death truck because all the old people had taken every other kind of cart, except for that one thats all rusted through and has the circulars in it from when the store first opened… back when it was originally across the street.
The old clogged the arteries of the store in such a way that I think it would have astounded NASA. They gossipped in front of the milk and as I tried to squeeze by with the appolyon cart, they laughed and said, “You will have to excuse us becasue this is very important gossip”. I didn’t hear all of it, for far from me to eavesdrop on a conversation so sacred and so well repeated, but it involved Vaseline Intensive care.
I am grateful that apparently the elderly are afraid of using the self-check-out. It was perhaps a bit of redemption for so long a morning. Maybe it’s due to the fact they would have to bag it themselves. Since I did so much shopping today, this, too, became my bane.
The parkinglot not without drama: two old men got very angry and started yelling at each other because they both, in their impatience, tried to pull into two spots right across form each other, one backing in, one pulling in. It was kind of comical… just when you thought one would concede, the yelling started all over again.
I’ve no doubt I do not understand much of that race of people. They probably feel I am in too much of a hurry in such an oversized trick shaped cart. But as usual, my joy is in the observation. But I think this may be my last trip to a grocery store on a friday afternoon. It’s just easier on teusdays with all the other moms.

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August 23, 2006 – Wednesday

The case against…

“The case against Christianity that is made out in the world is quite strong. Every war, every shipwreck, every cancer case, every calamity, contributes to making a prima facie case against Christianity. It is not easy to be a bleaiever in the face of this surface evidence. It calls for a strong faith in Jesus Christ.”

~C.S. Lewis
Cross Examination, p.265
God in the Dock

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August 15, 2006 – Tuesday

used to stopping

“These events happened as a warningto us, so that we would not crave evil things as they did or worship idols as some of them did.
… All these events happened to them as examples for me. They were written down to warn us, who live at the time when this age is drawing to a close.”

~ St. Paul
1 Corinthians 10:6 & 11

This guy, who I think would like to remain nameless on my blog (let him name himself on his own if he ever gets one on Myspace), and I have shared many things, but he more than me. And yet, he leans on me and hopefully, is learning from my mistakes as I pass on the knowledge the Lord has shown me.
I was not “put through the ringer”, as it were, simply for myself. The things I did were times set for me for such a time as this. It is for his benefit that I had fallen where and when I did. It is for that reason, also, that I continue to run my race.
I don’t want to be just a shining light. I want to be an unstoppable force for Christ and for His message.
I see this also as I run every morning. At a certain point, I am beat and exhausted. I am still breathing great, but my legs are so tired. I really just want to stop and walk. But I don’t. I am so used to stopping that I am just “stopping” because its what I’m used to doing. I have to re-teach and train my body to persevere and endure past this point. I don’t want to quit so I can go further and farther. I want further not to seem forever, but to finish well.
My temptations and my falling is where I’m used to stopping. I must endure and persevere past those points for the sake of my message – for the love of Christ.

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August 14, 2006 – Monday


“— The mightiest god
Is in my heart! Great things I shall not leave,
Great things I go to. Glory shall be mine —
To have saved the youth of Greece.”

Metamorphoses vii. 54-57

“For preaching the Good News is not something I can boast about. I am compelled by God to do it. How terrible for me if I didn’t do it!”

~St. Paul
1 Corinthians 9:16

What have I done for love? I do speak with love or only as a cymbal clanging? Some have tried to make love their reason for doing foolish things, but love means no harm, and would not destroy, but will nourish.
What would I have done if it wasn’t for love? Love that has saved, is saving, and will save me?

Currently listening :
By Delirious?
Release date: 10 October, 2000

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August 13, 2006 – Sunday

I think its great

I think its great that we have thwarted another terrorist attack. Brilliant. And I think its also great that some are thanking God for His protection.

But are we praying for those who wish to do us harm? Are we praying for the Lebanese as well as the Isreali forces? Are we praying for the “extremist” and his four day old daughter?

I think its wonderful to praise and pray for God’s Sovreign hand of protection. But are we being Christians about the whole thing or just merely American?

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August 11, 2006 – Friday

“Where am I going?”

“Chid,” said the Voice, “I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”

Aslan to Shasta
The Horse and His Boy

I don’t want to be the person to admit my doubt. But like Thomas, I need to admit my doubt not so I can be proved wrong or find some tangible proof. I need to admit my doubt so that I can find strength in my faith and my beliefs.
Last January, while I was Nashville, I was stressing about where I was going to find a job. I knew my call, and I was done with school and there was no reason to “wait” any longer to find the place God had prepared for me. I knew that patience was necessary for the task and all vigilence. I was given a peace at Passion, that all would be ok, and that I would need to be ok with leaving Harrisburg.
And then the actual search began. Its a long wait to try and find that which has already been prepared. But with all vigilence,you keep your eyes open, and your heart in prayer.
I still haven’t gotten a job, but I have been so encourgaed lately. Even from those jobs that turn me down, they encourage. From the jobs I turn down, I am encouraged. And as I go through interviews and disclose my heart, I am encouraged. God, who gives every good and perfect gift, has chosen to encourage my through ym desert, so I may not find a passing oasis, but a land of green and rolling hills, where I can make a lasting home.
Please, pray for my wife and I as we continue to go through interviews and wait.
I did have an inteview last night with a church in Cali, and I thinkit went very well. Please pray for them also, First Baptist Church in Coalinga, as they are looking for some one to fill their need. And if it isn;t us, then pray for that person, too.

Currently reading :
Metamorphoses (Oxford World’s Classics)
By Ovid
Release date: 23 July, 1998

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August 10, 2006 – Thursday

a query…

I’m reading Corinthians, and finished a book called “No More Christian Nice Guy”, and am now reading Ovid and am wondering: Can Christians be taken advantage of?


oh and hey, sorry for the unusual gaps in between postings. Myspace is a cruel mistress, and my computer an awful pimp.

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July 24, 2006 – Monday

New Morning

it is not me… but who am I? Is there really a paradox between Jekyll and Hyde? Weren’t they really the same man? Hyde was just as guilty as Jekyll because they were the same man.
My sinful self, that part of me that does what I do not want to do, is just as much Warwick as the side of me that wants to serve God. I am not a man divided, but a whole. And in my determination to be holy, I must not think that I am there already.
I am dirty and I long for righteousness and the peace beyond all understanding. Indeed, I long. Despite the depths of my sin, I long for freedom and for grace and love. But I can not ask for more than what has already been given. My Father has already given all that is sufficient – and it is more than sufficient.
So, when I am not satisfied, I can only look to the hope that is beyond my days and the vision before my eyes content.

The sun has risen, Your promises are new. Help me to start again.
Currently reading :
Return of the Prodigal Son
By Henri Nouwen
Release date: 01 March, 1994

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July 25, 2006 – Tuesday

The Moving Finger

I’m trying to understand the frustration of the king who was told his future by a moving finger. He couldn’t read it, and neither could anyone else. It was his future but he couldn’t understand it. He could see it, but it wasn’t making any sense. So, he had to call in the Hebrew.

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July 13, 2006 – Thursday

The Hurting man

So, I’ve been running for two days now, and I feel it. Right above my knees. The muscles are tight, and do somewhat burn. But like that No Fear T-shirt tells me: pain is temporary, so eat my dust.

Really, I am sufferring from what anyone who has not kept up with anything will suffer. The pain of the restart. The motivations may vary, but the pain does not. It is there and it is real. You don’t want to asprin it away because it reminds you are alive and well. Without these pains, are more liekly to live a mundane life, afraid of the pain of the progress.
I have long loved Lewis’s the Great Divorce. It is a wodnerful book full of images that set my heart on fire for who I am and who others are, or who we could all be. The longest lasting image, however, is the image of the man witha small dragon on his shoulder. This dragon is not just his sin, but also his complacency and his worth (so he thinks). The angel beckons him to move on, but he can only do so without the dragon. The angel removes the dragon and the man is caused pain. But upon the dragon’s leaving, he feels release and freedom.
I already feel better. And I am thankful for the help I’m receiving on my way.

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July 11, 2006 – Tuesday

The Running Man

So, I’m resolving to run again. I want to say “more”, but there has to be an amount to add on to in order to say that. So, “again” seems appropriate. Nad in the spirit of the phoenix-ed expression, I plan on doing a butt-load of running this summer! woo hoo! (If you act excited everytime you think about running, I think you are more likely to do it).

In other news….

Lilliane Eilleen Ashlan Fuller is the name you can start putting on all the cards, teddy bears and quilts. It came less down to votes, than it did what we liked, of course. Not that we’d want to say your thoughts don’t matter to us, but ours just matter a bit more… lol. I do want to thank you all who responded in our time of need. Just becuase your name was not chosen does not mean you may never see the name Teaghan again… At our rate, we’ll be adding kids exponentially. I hope that you could please continue to pray for us while we have babies, look for jobs, and try to maintian the overt silliness you’ve come to know and love us for. Maybe my silliness more than my wife’s.

And should I get a hair cut??


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